I woke up late this morning, after staying up late to complete my math assignment and blog a little.
Becca and Christiansson went out to a yard sale, and I dusted and vacuumed the house. I made scrambled eggs and pancakes for brunch when they returned, and everything went fairly well, although Becca told me that she feels that I am too intense in the way that I have transformed over the past couple of months. She said that I am so focused on being helpful and pleasant that she feels an inordinate amount of pressure on her to change her mind about divorcing me. She asked if there was any way that I could do my changing without making her feel under pressure to change her mind. I was nonplussed, and explained that I simply want to be the person that I have always longed to be, and that I am determined to make the necessary changes to my old behavior because I don't want to continue in same old way of doing things, now that I have seen some of the areas that I can work on. I explained that my actions have nothing to do with "trying to manipulate her" or make her feel guilty, but she still had trouble accepting my explanation. Aarghh! Why can't I just be allowed to be me,without constantly having my motives dissected. It is simple. I just want to change for the better, whether Becca is with me or not.
She's been needing a new pair of eye glasses for a while now, so although I have told her at least twice to go ahead and get the required prescription, she has put it off for months, because she is concerned about the expense and the fact that we are not earning much and have a significant amount of unsecured debt. I arranged for an appointment today, and insisted that she go and get the glasses, which she did, thank heavens! I was going to go with her to pay for the glasses, but as we would have to take Christiansson with us, and Becca felt that he would be bored (I think she put that idea in his head, just to stop me from going to the eye specialist with her). She told me to quit being so forceful in my desire to help.
I ended up letting her go on her own, and took our son to play with a football on the beach.
It is great hanging out with Christiansson when his mother is absent, because the relational dynamics are so much easier going. We're relaxed and we have fun. My authority is not usurped, nor is my discipline challenged. This is telling.
I noticed that Rebecca has stopped wearing her engagement and wedding rings now. That was profoundly hurtful, because she always took great care to wear them every day, and I know, from how she used to behave, that wearing them meant something very special to her. I seldom have seen her take them off, and never when she is outside of the home. But now...
Earlier this evening Becca told me that she doesn't want to attend the same church service together in the morning. She knows that enough people know what is happening to our relationship, and she doesn't want to "play happy families" anymore. She asked which service I would prefer to go to. At that point I lost my cool and said, "This is all ridiculous!"
"What's ridiculous?" She asked.
"No, I'm not even going there, I'm not going to discuss this - it'll just start an argument. I'm not going to do that." I said, with frustration.
"No, what do you mean?" Becca asked me. "What is ridiculous?"
"Oh this whole bloody idea of divorce - divorce is ridiculous, at least in this case. There's no freakin' legitimate reason for it in our situation!" I said in anger. "I mean, how can we call ourselves Christians if we're going to divorce for these ridiculous reasons?" I was outraged.
Becca became livid and said, "I'm outta here!" She slammed the front door on the way to the pickup she is borrowing from a friend and went for a drive.
I sat sullenly in front of my math assignment and stared at it and thought, God, what am I supposed to do? I just cannot agree with Becca's reasons for leaving me, yet I would not want to keep her against her will. If she refuses to love me, I cannot make her love me.
It is written: "Owe one another nothing except love." Well, I am choosing, yet again to love Becca, which to me means to do my utmost to do what is right by God and her and to pray for her.
Because my budget is so tight (my wages are $11.00 / hour), I am actually considering overnighting in my car for a few days a week and spending the weekends with a couple of friends who have offered to put me up indefinitely. They live around 45 miles away though, so I don't want to drive too much, and as I am studying a lot of material at the moment, I'd rather just be in my car and using it as an office and crash pad during the week, regardless of how outlandish it may seem to friends and family. I'll have a fixed abode in Green Cove Springs with my friends, but that doesn't mean I have to be under their feet every night. The proof will be in the pudding - whether or not I can get decent enough sleep in my car. We shall see...
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