Becca explained to me in detail last night why she wants to divorce me. The conversation began with her apologizing for the way things have turned out, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for things to end up this way."
Later, just prior to turning in for the night in the spare room, where I sleep, I asked Becca, "Could you perhaps write down for me what your reasons for divorce are? I know we've gone over them several times, but if I had something on paper from you, then I'll never forget and slip into a misunderstanding because of the facts becoming a foggy memory in the future.
She went on at length forcefully, but with controlled anger, and what I discerned to be pouring out of her was a profound bitterness. I don't feel that she has ever forgiven me for some of the cruel things I said, (mostly in the first few years of our marriage) - perhaps I'll cover those details later in this blog, but there were too many for me to describe at this time. Anyway, the fact is that they were pretty damning, and I came away from the conversation feeling unforgiven, but also deeply moved with compassion for Becca, for her disillusionment with me. I felt dejected and overwhelmingly penitent at my failure to cherish her in the way that she needed me to.
I can understand why she wants to leave me. I really can, it's just that she says the real reason she doesn't want to try to work things out is because it's too late. I don't subscribe to that viewpoint at all. As I see it, it is never too late for change in life until a person is dead, or totally unwilling to change. I am committed to change, and I know that Becca has seen positive change in me, consistently for the past two years, so why give up now, when I'm finally beginning to get it together?
We went to our separate beds, Becca having left a sense of finality hanging in the air, as it were, and I, like a dog with his tail between his legs. I felt like so much garbage being thrown out.
This evening was different. I brought home a rotisserie chicken and fresh bread for dinner, which Rebecca expressed her gratitude for. After supper she went out with Christiansson to visit some friends. I spent most of the evening doing my Math assignments, washing dishes and drinking hot tea.
When she returned from her visit, Becca thanked me for washing the dishes and subsequently left my laundry clean and folded on my bed. I thanked her. She actually struck up a few conversations with me and we even shared a smile and a laugh or two. She discussed some of my weak points while she watched one of her favorite TV shows, and actually apologized for offending me earlier in the conversation. She feels that I struggled to excel at high school because she thinks I was rebellious. I explained that I could't see the purpose of learning so much stuff that I had no application for. She fired back that I always think I know better than every one else, which is why I come across as condescending. I thought about this for a while and explained that I just don't trust people very easily. All in all, our conversation was helpful to me, because it wasn't a heated debate, or argument, simply a frank exposition by way of how Becca perceives my attitude to her and other people. I have never meant to project a condescending attitude to her or anyone else. I simply don't agree with everyone all of the time, but she has a point that I need to consider more carefully - that I need to speak less.
I can improve by picking my battles more carefully and being careful to listen more than I speak. This will be a challenge. I've been working on it for more than thirty years, and to think: wow, I'm still so far from the mark. God help me!
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