After school last night, I decided to drop by Esteban's house and give him a small sum of money by way of thanks for putting me up for a couple of weeks and a couple of days while Becca took time to think about whether or not she wanted a divorce (even though she'd already made up her mind to go ahead with one).
Esteban was working late on a maintenance contract, painting out an apartment, and was tired and a little grumpy with having to be out so long on the job. I decided to visit him on the job and we ended up having a coffee and chatting while he finished painting. He invited me over to his place for a beer, and I ended up crashing on his couch at around 2 a.m. It was good to chat. I still have so much emotional pain, anger and shock that I am feeling in the face of what Becca is doing to me. It helps so much to be able to talk it out with a friend - someone who cares and one who understands because they too have been through divorce.
I must have had around three hours of sleep last night, so although my work day went along soundly, I am absolutely beat right now and it is only seven fifty-eight p.m.
Becca and I went to speak with our church pastor about mediation this evening, as we both respect him, and he has offered to assist us with the process. Essentially all we covered tonight is that if Becca is set on divorce, then we need to process the paperwork swiftly. I expressed my conviction that I do not agree with divorce in our case, nor do I want it, and when our pastor asked how soon we want to get things settled, I said that I would be happy to wait indefinitely if Becca felt even remotely that we had even a chance of reconciliation.
This evening she argued with me because I asked her why she wants a divorce. She said that she has already told me why so many times, and that I shouldn't have to ask. She went on to explain that she doesn't FEEL love for me and then became really annoyed when I asked, "But isn't love an act of our will, not a feeling?" She became angry and said that we have "sat under bad teaching" and that her feelings are real, and that Pastor had told me that that is part of my problem - that I "dismiss" her feelings. I went on to state that I disagree with her and wanted to know how she could possibly think that feelings were a reliable gauge of love, but before I could even finish my sentence, she threatened to walk out of the house. I then asked her if she is still a Christian, if she still feels that she is one. Again she almost walked out of the house, but I retired to my room for a minute or two and told her not to leave because of our disagreement. I decided not to ask any questions or talk with her any more tonight. Oh the frustration - I'm not allowed to discuss an opinion, because that is "manipulative" and/or convincing. I'm not allowed to plumb the depths of her reasoning, because if I do, then she feels threatened by the possibility that I might persuade her to see things differently than her feelings cause her to see.
I did show her a paragraph, (which she read), from Rabbi Schmuley Boteach's book, "Shalom in the Home", in which he states: "Lost romance can always be rediscovered because the secret to renewing love lies not in what we feel, but what we do. Actions control and create emotions, rather than the reverse. And if we begin treating people lovingly, we will begin to feel love for them."
Becca's response to the paragraph was that it is probably true, but not in certain cases.
Like ours I suppose...
I agree with Boteach. I have been doing my utmost to treat Becca lovingly, and accordingly, I feel a tremendous love for her. That it is unrequited love just hurts so much. Perhaps I should re-read the prayer of St. Francis and stop feeling so sorry for myself.
I'm so tired that my eyes feel weary, so in my bed right now. I'll read a page or two out of "A Grace Disguised" a book about dealing with loss by Jerry Sittser and then I'll pass out...
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