Last night I spoke with Becca and asked her if she had considered just how selfish she was being in seeking "happiness" (as she put it), in such a way that effectively forces me out of Christiansson's life for most of the week, for the remainder of his childhood years. It means, due to the nature of my work and our already strapped budget that he will live with her during the weekdays and weekday evenings, and my relationship with him after school on weekday evenings will be all but erased, seeing as we will not be living in the same home together.
I am so surprised that Rebecca, being forty years old now, and having often told me how much spiritual maturity she feels she has attained, could not answer my question. She simply reminded me of how she had been feeling: "Remember that for years now, I have wished and prayed for your death or mine..."
I then decided that it was time to explain some things that I have never really explained to her before - essentially that I had wished for a divorce from her during our first year of our marriage, because she had been so difficult and contentious. I opted instead for a life of learning to love through persevering and through believing the best in her. I had consistently spoken positively over her, in a constant effort to break through, always believing that whatever differences we had, we could work through them. Over the years, I sacrificed many dreams in order to nurture my love for her, but I do not remember ever once having heard her say to me, "I love you." Becca denied that that was true.
"Really?" I asked. "Honestly, unless you were prompted, or in the event of a birthday, or whatnot, I seriously do not remember ever hearing you, by your own initial volition ever having said that you loved me."
"Not true." She replied.
"Well, as you always tell me, when I disagree with you - this is how I FEEL." I replied.
"I'm sorry I've been such a dreadful woman, and awful wife!" Becca retorted.
"I do not mean to hurt you, Becca..." I said, "What you must know is that I have deliberately not kept a record of wrongs to keep digging up at each disagreement, which for some reason, you always seem to do. Whatever happened ten, thirteen, fifteen years ago is over. Why must you keep rehashing it? You sound bitter and unforgiving. I have kept quiet for so many years about what a difficult woman you have been to love - your bitterness, argumentative nature and the total lack of respect that you showed me from day one provoked ME to want to leave you all the way back at the beginning. Here is an example of just one grievance that I kept unspoken: why did you always feel you needed to interrupt our conversations with friends in order to finish my sentences for me? You did this even before we were married. I have not bothered you with this annoyance, instead I chose to keep silent about it and many, many other grievances and love you through all of it. Becca, you must know, that as difficult as you think it has been to have to live with me, honey, I have had as much difficulty in living with you. Even so, I want for us to persevere and learn to love better, because I believe that love is not about constant happiness, but about commitment and serving one another. Happiness comes and goes.
Becca could not answer me. I retired to bed, then returned to write her a brief note of thanks and confirming my respect for her, for she had not argued with me at all during my little diatribe. In fact I felt that she had listened very carefully. As I thought about how patiently she had listened to my criticism and efforts to point out her hypocrisy, I was moved with sadness that I had felt the need to expose her as I did, and I felt overwhelmed with gratitude that she had actually listened to my point of view. I then felt so much like the proverbial pot which calls the kettle black.
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